Dream

Roger, Emily, Sheldon, and Thomas

31 October 2008

I had a dream about 7 1/2 years ago that I have never forgotten. It was not a good dream at all, but I hesitate to call it a nightmare, in spite of the fact that I woke up in a sweat, crying, with my heart racing.

I dreamed that there was a fire in the hills near our home, and that Jack was badly burned in this fire. At the hospital, I was told that he had third-degree burns over 80% of his body. I began sobbing, and then I began praying. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to somehow heal Jack. I begged Him to not make Jack go through the years of surgeries and therapy that I knew he would require in order to recover. "Please, please don't make Jack go through this. You can heal him. Please heal him," I prayed.

And then I heard a voice answer me, saying, "Why would you have Me deny him this opportunity for growth?" Those words echoed in my head as I woke up. I don't know that I have ever been happier to wake up from a dream in my life. It was one of those dreams that felt so real, it didn't seem like a dream, and it took me a few minutes to realize that none of it had actually happened. Jack was asleep in his bedroom, and he was healthy and unburned.

I've thought about that dream so many times over the last few years, mainly during times when I've watched loved ones passing through extremely difficult trials. I've had loved ones endure significant loss, and I've watched their hearts break. I've watched friends and family members lose their parents, their teenagers, their infants, their marriages, etc. I've wished I could somehow take away their pain, and then I would remember that voice in my dream saying, "Why would you have Me deny him/her this opportunity for growth?" I suppose that the dream gave me a different outlook on suffering. I now view trials as opportunities for growth that our Heavenly Father allows us to have -- opportunities that He won't deny us -- because He loves us.

Most recently, the loved ones whom I have watched suffer are my little sister, Emily, and her husband, Roger. Emily got pregnant last summer with twin boys, and it was such an exciting, happy time for our whole family. I read her blog often during that time to get the updates and see pictures of the ultrasounds.

On October 31st of last year, as I was readying my home for Jack's little Halloween party, I got a call from my mom. It appeared that Emily, who was only 23 weeks along in the pregnancy, was going into labor. The doctors were hoping to stop the labor from progressing. I prayed on and off that morning as I cleaned my home and set up for the party. About 30 minutes before all of Jack's friends would be getting off the school bus at my house, my mom called again. Emily had given birth to the twins, they had lived a short time, and then they had died. (The firstborn twin, Sheldon, lived for 10 minutes. The second, Thomas, lived for 25 minutes.)

Those little boys were not my own, but I have grieved their loss. I have grieved, also, for Emily and Roger. I cannot even begin to understand what it is like to lose a child. (Sadly, my brother, Nathan, and his wife, Diana, also lost a child. Diana carried a beautiful baby boy, Elijah, full-term. He was, however, stillborn in April 2006.)

March 4th and 5th of last week were the due dates for Sheldon and Thomas. (Yes, twins can have their own due dates.) Last week was difficult. The due dates came and went. Saturday morning, I woke up at about 4 am and could not get back to sleep. I don't know what I had been dreaming about, but my first thoughts upon awakening were of the twins, the little boys we'll never know in this life.

I wish that my sister hadn't lost her twin boys. I wish that my brother hadn't lost his son. However, I have seen that as my siblings have turned to their Heavenly Father, these losses and experiences have provided them with opportunities for growth. I know that, ultimately, these experiences have helped them become some of the most remarkable people I know. I am so proud of them for the way they've handled their trials with grace and faith. What good examples they have been for me.

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Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

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Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts that I've been having this week, and I felt the need to write them down.